kracked out kidz
Who goes out of their way to show what someone means to me.
A friend. Family.
If I can turn to you, you can always turn to me. You’re secrets go with me to the grave.
I hope that I am able to convey that through my actions so you can hear me loud and clear when I say that I love you and would not be the same person that I am proud to be without you all in my life.
That some of my friends think I’m wrong for leaving the animal hospital, and for my reasons.
I am beyond UNHAPPY. They all know this.
It makes me question what standards they have on living a life of “quality.” What the hell do you think you have going for you after death that makes you so comfortable being miserable in life?
Wake up! Please don’t let me see you all so content with just getting by…
It breaks my fucking heart…
Just waaaaaaay too busy. Ya know, figuring out what the fuck I’m supposed to do with my life.
Ugh. SUCKS.
Of individuals who thinks that they’re perspective on life is some Universal Truth which means they have every right and reason to shove it down everyone else’s throats.
Please, just shut the hell up. Everyone is different. If you can’t grasp that, then I sincerely urge you to reconsider you views on life and reality altogether.
When I was explaining to her why I chose to go vegetarian and then vegan.
Hey, I didn’t do it on purpose, and she’s always talking smack about how in a few years she better be the first person I call when I have my first [jesus christ, I got nauseous just thinking about the word] burger.
Yea effin right Nina. Sorry, but now that you see my side, I think you get it at least a bit more than before.
Just thinking about being vegan and all of the amazing cooking that I look forward to doing, and the excitement of one day owning my own Vegan Coffeehouse/Cafe excited me more than anything.
So yea, this isn’t a choice anymore. It’s just the way I is. <3
But seriously… Now I don’t feel so good after thinking about eating carcass. Blurg…
So, I applied to like, 4 Starbucks last night online, but went in to the one that I actually want to work at, since it’s close to home. Manager totally dug me, and he said he’s going to go over my resume and call me. I cannot wait! I really want the job, and I told him I worked at Atlanta Bread Company as a barista for 2 years, so he seemed happy about that. I want this job! I miss working with coffee!
Really thinking about looking into some OA meetings, as well as culinary school. I figure my food obsession may never go away, so why not put it to something useful? I love making healthy, delicious foods and sharing them with everyone, so this seems perfect. And I want to own my own Cafe in the future, made for people & doggie dining haha! Ah. So not depressed anymore right now.
Riding the high of life and it’s endless possibilities.
I have. I’ve tried to defeat this fear of leaving bulimia behind me. I’ve tried to be rational; to see that this is going to kill me, but even my own life is not enough to dissuade me from this mistake. A choice that started off so harmless, erupting into an issue that has haunted me for almost half of my life. All of the times I’ve reached out. All of the times I’ve tried. Maybe it just wasn’t enough. Maybe I should try harder.
But I’m so afraid. Maybe I’m afraid of admitting it to the world because then… Then it all becomes too real. Then it has an even greater hold on my daily life than it already does. Then I have to fight it every day, instead of just letting it have it’s way with my body. Instead of just living vicariously through myself, because that’s what this has become. This does not live in me, but now I live in it. I’m nothing but a bulimic. I’m not a girl. I cannot be loved.
I am a bulimic. I am nothing more.
And I can’t even call it a disease, a disorder, a monster; I’m the monster. I chose the disease. Let it walk right through the hole in my chest and into my heart, into my head, into my soul. It consumes me.
I don’t know what else I even care to do.
But I still don’t want to give up.
I came to the conclusion, with Joey’s help of course, that what I am really afraid of with this whole Matt thing is that I actually, really like him. That scares the absolute shit out of me, apparently. I didn’t realize that even though I had been talking about the whole situation to my friends, I hadn’t ONCE, not ONCE said, “I like him.” Though, now I’m excited to see him again, so that’s a lot better than the anxiety I felt yesterday.
It so weird to think you’ve reached a point where you aren’t afraid of much of anything, and then life is just kind of like, ‘ORLY??’ WHAMMM!!!!
I don’t believe in a god, but this quote is one of my favorites, and if you’re like me, substitute the word ‘god’ with ‘life.’
“Want To Make God Laugh? Tell Him Your Plans.”
Had a random thought of my friend, or old friend. He cheated on his girlfriend with me when he was visiting from Iraq. Fucked up, right? He buys her jewelry and stuff, and I didn’t even care. I’d had a crush on his since I met him at thirteen. We got drunk at a friend’s party, and I got him, and then I just didn’t care. Then he told me we’d hang out then bailed and we haven’t talked since. I figure he must think I’m mad at him or expect something from him. I never expected anything. I’m not stupid, I didn’t expect him to leave his girlfriend for me, what kind of delusional idiot would I be then! Shit happened, we were drunk, that’s it really. I was disappointed that it separated us even further than we already had become, but oh well. His choice, and I should have figured as much. At least I know that cliche [don’t sleep with your friends] really is extremely true.
But the main though was I was happy to have him in my count. Like all I really wanted was to know that part of him, the sexual intense part, and that was it. I don’t want love right now. I couldn’t handle it consuming my life like it does everyone else. I avoid that more than anything these days.
Now I’ve cut out sex too, I’m not one for sleeping around. I’m so busy that I don’t have time to get that drunk and fuck. So in my book, that’s a good thing.
It’s too fucking true. Almost had one of my freak out moments today because the world is busy and I am not. I picture myself in one of those pictures or movie scenes where the world is rushing rushing rushing and I’m just standing still. Utterly, and disgustingly still.
I did have a friend ask about grooming her dog, told her $40 which is dead cheap. My grooming trainer would kick me for it. Fuck, I want to kick me for it. But it’s extra money, and she’s a friend. So, whatever.
I was thinking about Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, I want to watch it. It makes me happy, and it makes me cry. Such an amazing movie.
My moving out adventure is feeling pretty concrete, aside from the needing more hours at work part… But that’ll be taken care of tomorrow. Relaxxxxx!
I did get productive with school. Finished a quiz for psych, one more to go, as well as homework for Finite Mathematics, a paper for Composition, studying for American Government, and studying for Nutrition because that’s my worst grade right now. Damn it. I have all day today and tomorrow to get at least a chunk done.
So what the fuck am I doing blogging? Procrastinating. It’s what I do best.
I swear, I really just can’t! I mean, I’ve got friends, I still want more. That’s ok though I guess, I mean, I want to meet different people and expose myself to new things. But I get like, upset about it almost.
I can’t sit still, I always have to be doing something. Like right now, sitting here, typing this. I hate it. I have to got find something to do. I just can’t stand my mother’s house. When I was living on my own, I loved being home. Studying, or just hanging out in MY apartment by myself or with my room mate. Here, I hate it. I hate this house, I hate every piece of it. From the roof above my head to the tiles below my feet. This house has nothing but shit memories and instability.
But then I’m afraid that even after I get out, something will still be wrong, or something else will be wrong. I blame my age: I haven’t been alive long enough to finish school and have a better paying job. I blame my parents: a few life lessons on just about anything wouldn’t have hurt guys! I blame myself (for this stress): everything in my life always comes down to me, period. My life, my journey, my obstacles to overcome. I need to learn to grow up and deal with it!
I’ve got to remember to take everything in stride.
Journals really do help you think things through. Thank goodness.
Sorry to be such a whiney little fuck today, but fuck. I’m not handling my shit well.
Boo fucking hoo.
Random : Watching the Halloween remake. Gorefest! Geez. Rob Z, you’re crazy bud.
Reasons to CHEER THE FUCK UP:
I dunno. I gotta loosen the hell up or my brains are going to ESPLODE out of my NOSE! And that’d just be icky.
Wish me luck or something, I guess.
Pushy guys, I hate ‘em. I don’t deal with it, I am NOT into that alpha bullshit. I don’t take a back seat to anyone, and no one should take a back seat to me. You must be my EQUAL. If your pushy, I’ll just want to punch you, and if your passive, well, same thing.
Andrew doesn’t know how to take no for an answer, at ALL. He buys me rum because he knows I love it, and wants to try and get me drunk. Because he tries to use this as an advantage, I do take the rum, and I give him NOTHING. Asshole. Even drunk I wouldn’t fuck you. You’re annoying and needy and would be a terrible boyfriend. You lack any motivation except that of a caveman. You smoke pot excessively (don’t get me wrong, I love to smoke, but he’s stoned all the time), you stay at home all day and play video games, and you are being a total bum about going to school. Oh, did I mention the straight up telling me that he isn’t looking for a relationship. Now, I said the same, but I meant ANY kind of relationship. He means he wants to fuck, and he can. He can fuck RIGHT OFF.
Then there’s Corey, my friend since I was 14, but he’s asked me out over 10 times since my ex and I broke up when I was 18. He’s the kind who will date ANYONE, because it doesn’t matter who you are, he just wants anyone. I am fucking unique, and I’m not desperate for anyone. You have to see me, understand every bit of me, and be the yin to my yang. Corey has no motivation to better himself. He’s a the like chef-manager at Sublime restaurant in Fort Lauderdale, which is a HIGH end vegan restaurant. He’s too much of a pansy to be a manager, he just lets everyone walk all over him. Not to mention his obsessing over me since he met me, buying me presents to try and persuade me to date him, and he told me that he won’t hold back if he ever gets a chance with me, so I’ve stopped talking to him. He’s gotten freakishly creepy.
So where’s the mediator? I don’t know, but I’ll keep a look out in about 5 years or so, if I’m interested in dating then. For now, I’m too concerned with myself to let some guy or girl distract me. I’ll work until I get where I want to be, then maybe you can join me, maybe.
